I think I've lost my footing

26 Jul 07 Thursday 1:26 AM


It's all so very complicated, isn't it? And so you ask me. Your friend: the one who is willing to listen, is willing to give the advice, the one who will even tell you if you are so very wrong. But you know what happens? What happens is she cultivates friendships, she cultivates others relationships that somehow become everything. And then she wakes up wondering if she's the one left with nothing.

I have a friend, a very dear friend, who reminds me from time to time that I have no one to answer to. I have me, and me alone. The idea might be so beautiful if only I had more. It's the quest we're all on, really. The quest for something more than just us. The idea of something greater. And I've started to realize, who am I to limit myself to what this life currently has to offer? I explore (I really do), I question (more than you'll know), I watch (you've seen me), and yet I'm still left with nothing more than this: we are what we make of ourselves and unless we move forward and explore all that life has to offer; who are we, really?

Someone I really care about told me several years ago they could see me opening a door. The door, after years of movement, isn't just one, but a maze of doors. There are no right or wrong choices, only passages leading me back and forth through a maze of growth. Lately I wonder if I've come to a dead end only to discover now I must turn back. Tracing back through my footsteps with no one but myself to guide me. This step, that stumble, all the awkwardness. I think, is this as difficult for everyone else? Or am I the only one?

She.

You know, She's about had it. She doesn't believe in love anymore. This one, this girl, this Woman, believes that She is meant to be alone for the rest of her life. And its not exactly because a palm reader told her true love wouldn't occur until "late in life". It's because it doesn't appear to her that anyone gets her. In spite of everything, in spite of all her guy friends saying, you are so fantastic, you are so very wonderful, you are such a gift! ; in spite of everything, She realizes She is not for this time. She is not for this place. And so, She wishes to sleep away her entire life. She wishes to sleep away - not this entire month, not this entire year, but to sleep away her entire life to just not have to feel. To not have to feel at all, is a Godsend. If God was merciful, it wouldn't be asked of her. If God believed in her, it wouldn't have to be. The pain, the suffering, the hope...the if only. She is so very tired.

higher education? try, roadblock.

You know how for the last 4 years I have been all about school? And you know how I took the summer off and have been completely bored for the last several months? And you know how I thought I'd be in school for only a year longer? Well, I might be in school for another 2-3 years instead of the 1 year I thought. And you know why? Because I made A LOT of money last year, that's why. According to the government, my salary of $barelyscrapingby.00 equates to me being able to afford an extra $4200 (per semester) on my education (out of pocket) this year. And you know who doesn't have $4200 per semester to pay for school this year? I think you know where I'm going with this.

I really want my degree and eventually want my masters degree, but at this rate, I'll be a freakin' granny by the time I finish. I know all the "life is a learning experience" shit people throw at me, and I know all the "you shouldn't worry and be in such a hurry" jargin. But, I'll tell ya, this lady is tired. I want to finish. I want to be able to move forward and continue my real life sans school . However, it seems so much is working against me. I love school. Please, don't get me wrong. But I also want to be able to picture next year with a real vacation thrown in the mix. I want to be able to see myself actually enjoying all that I have learned. I want to see some real implementation and forward motion.

Bah. ugh. ick.