Hussein

I must be more compassionate than I thought. I am so very disturbed by the public execution of Saddam Hussein. I have always been one to believe rotting in jail is more punishment than capital punishment and this situation is no different. I understand all the points which have been made- a coup could free him from prison, thus allowing him the opportunity to gain power again….etc, etc. I am conflicted...but I think Gandhi said it best, "The law an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."

me?

me?
i wear a monocle.
it allows me to see half of what i need.

do i really need to see the rest?
what's the point?
everyone shows what they want.
anyway.

things.

for the last few weeks i have been attempting to post an update on what is going on in my little part of this world we ride. unfortunately i have not been able to do so...and tonight is not any different.

things have happened. things i wanted to happen. things i didn't want to happen. things i didn't see coming. things i may have missed while i was focusing my attention elsewhere... and all i can do is hang on for the ride...sometimes paddling along to help out the momentum and other times dragging my heels to slow it all down.

i had a conversation with my granny on christmas eve. she is a lovely and insightful woman. she told me, "you just have to stay positive, you just have to keep moving forward." Forward motion has been my mantra for years and years now...someone wise from my past believed in it too. i thank him for that...but i wonder if i am missing out on things while i am moving forward, am i moving at a pace where my fate can't catch up with me?

this isn't going anywhere and it seems cryptic, but in my head, its a jumbled mess...and if the output is jumbled, maybe that's the way it has to be for a while. maybe i'll get it all sorted out in the new year.

here's hoping.

ps. things=things. don't attempt to read into it.

Bypass

I can't seem to get this poem out of my head...true love.... if you are lucky enough to find it...Can't live without them...love.........

Bypass

When they cracked open your chest, parting
the flesh at the sternum and sawing

right through your ribs, we'd been married
only five weeks. I had not yet kissed

into memory those places they raided
to save your life. I could only wait

outside, in the public lobby
of private nightmares

while they pried you apart, stopped
your heart's beating, and iced you

down. For seven hours a machine
breathed for you, in and out. God,

seeing you naked in ICU minutes
after the surgery ... your torso swabbed

a hideous antiseptic yellow
around a raw black ladder of stitches

and dried blood. Still unconscious,
you did the death rattle on the gurney.

"His body is trying to warm itself up,"
they explained, to comfort me.

by Susan Kelly-DeWitt

Bypass

I can't seem to get this poem out of my head...true love.... if you are lucky enough to find it...Can't live without them...love.........

Bypass

When they cracked open your chest, parting
the flesh at the sternum and sawing

right through your ribs, we'd been married
only five weeks. I had not yet kissed

into memory those places they raided
to save your life. I could only wait

outside, in the public lobby
of private nightmares

while they pried you apart, stopped
your heart's beating, and iced you

down. For seven hours a machine
breathed for you, in and out. God,

seeing you naked in ICU minutes
after the surgery ... your torso swabbed

a hideous antiseptic yellow
around a raw black ladder of stitches

and dried blood. Still unconscious,
you did the death rattle on the gurney.

"His body is trying to warm itself up,"
they explained, to comfort me.

by Susan Kelly-DeWitt

Nigiri.

my nigiri was dead when i came home tonight. how can someone be sad about a fish dying? well, i will just tell you, i am sad. nigiri was a character, i have had him for over a year now... and i will miss him dearly.

i have nothing else to say.

a not so tiny piece.

What does it mean when you can't seem to leave behind the little piece of you inadvertently left behind. You can't take it back. Does it even belong to you anymore? Was it ever yours to begin with? Once it's mixed with the receivers' perceptions, you can't take it back and you are left wondering if it ever belonged to you in the first place.

we sleuthed!

there is so very much going on right now and i haven't posted in a while...so, this may be choppy, it may be slightly um, blah, blah, blah...but for the few of my good friends who read this..it will kind of get you up to date on the life of me.

-let's see. good things first. our dryer broke. (well, that's not the good part..wait for it, wait for it...) so, i had clothes in the wash when it decided not to blow or spin or do anything, for that matter. good thing we have a clothes line out back. when is the last time you actually hung some clothes out to dry on a wash line? for some reason jill even had some old school wooden clothes pins. it was so very cathartic...the whole process, basket of wet towels on the hip, the sun, the smells...i am pretty excited about this. i may just hang dry everything from now on. it gave me time to reflect on my week..on my month, on where i am and where i am going and what i want. more about this later.

-yesterday was a fantastic day. we spent the morning out on our back porch (slab!). coffee, magazines, music, friends, dogs running about, finding squash on the fence-line from our neighbors garden, more coffee. what a great way to spend a sunday morning. we must have sat out back for at least 3 hours...and the proof is in the little bit of sunburn on my nose, arms and chest. lovely, lovely day.

-one of my profs is an architect. last week he told the class he would rather hire a B student than an A student every time. And why? Because a B student shows they believe in a balance of life and career. I realized I have been trying to be both. The A student with balance. And, it's not working. I barely have time to have a social life. And if i do have a social life, I regret it when it comes time to cram in my homework the day before it is due. And then the homework is sub-par. So, today I decided to drop a class. It is an elective, so I don't really need it to graduate...but the class is for a computer program that is very useful in 3-D modeling. The only problem is the program really seems very counterintuitive. I picked up AutoCAD quicker. (and believe me, AutoCAD is a bitch to learn). Anyhow, I dropped it. Now I have more time to do things I need to do...like hanging laundry out to dry...walking to bongo for coffee and conversation...sitting in my back yard with my little annabelle and lulu...talking to my jillybean...and generally time to just "be".

-on another positive note, i have been doing very well with the quitting smoking business. i have had a cigarette here or there, but literally, i light one, then hand it off to someone or put it out. It's been fairly easy so far. We'll see what happens. Wish me luck.

-the entire myspace "top friends" thing is silly. i never really paid much attention to the number (like .. 1 friend). if you are in my top friends its either because i love you, or its because i find you interesting, or its because i want to know you better, or just because i find you to be intriguing. i normally don't pay attention to what .. i have someone listed...if you are offended by this, sorry...if you find it strange you are in there, well...good. everyone should enjoy a little strangeness every once in a while.

-this is a redundant question..why do people find me to be strange? why do some people not get me? i know i say what i think, i know i say what i feel. i know sometimes i say more than i should. but i don't believe in hiding my feelings...i believe life is short. (trite, yes...but it is damn true!) i also believe people play games when they are really just scared to say the truth. what's wrong with saying " i want to get to know you" or "you know what, you aren't for me." NOTHING is wrong with speaking the truth. and the problems come in when people play games. leaving out part of the truth, ignoring someone to "punish" them. this isn't all from experience and it doesn't pertain to anyone in particular...just stuff i have been thinking about lately.

enough. i'll end with:
i love my house. i love my friends, new and old. i love my annabelle and jill's lulu.

i wish for more days like yesterday...and clear, gorgeous skies. i wish for truth and honesty and i wish for love for all my people.

m

peaty...

this time of the year is always my favorite. i love when the air begins it's slow southern descent into fall. i love when the sky is slightly black to the east and clear as day to the west...when the cold front makes its way on in to our little part of the world. i was sitting on my porch and knew exactly what was missing. i grabbed my car keys, jumped in the car and headed to the liquor store. i am sitting now with a nice glass of peaty islay single malt scotch.

ladies and gentlemen, fall has arrived.

cheers!

The incomparable Mr. Cohen...

You Have the Lovers
Leonard Cohen

You have the lovers,
they are nameless, their histories only for each other,
and you have the room, the bed, and the windows.
Pretend it is a ritual.
Unfurl the bed, bury the lovers, blacken the windows,
let them live in that house for a generation or two.
No one dares disturb them.
Visitors in the corridor tip-toe past the long closed door,
they listen for sounds, for a moan, for a song:
nothing is heard, not even breathing.
You know they are not dead,
you can feel the presence of their intense love.
Your children grow up, they leave you,
they have become soldiers and riders.
Your mate dies after a life of service.
Who knows you? Who remembers you?
But in your house a ritual is in progress:
It is not finished: it needs more people.
One day the door is opened to the lover's chamber.
The room has become a dense garden,
full of colours, smells, sounds you have never known.
The bed is smooth as a wafer of sunlight,
in the midst of the garden it stands alone.
In the bed the lovers, slowly and deliberately and silently,
perform the act of love.
Their eyes are closed,
as tightly as if heavy coins of flesh lay on them.
Their lips are bruised with new and old bruises.
Her hair and his beard are hopelessly tangled.
When he puts his mouth against her shoulder
she is uncertain whether her shoulder
has given or received the kiss.
All her flesh is like a mouth.
He carries his fingers along her waist
and feels his own waist caressed.
She holds him closer and his own arms tighten around her.
She kisses the hand besider her mouth.
It is his hand or her hand, it hardly matters,
there are so many more kisses.
You stand beside the bed, weeping with happiness,
you carefully peel away the sheets
from the slow-moving bodies.
Your eyes filled with tears, you barely make out the lovers,
As you undress you sing out, and your voice is magnificent
because now you believe it is the first human voice
heard in that room.
The garments you let fall grow into vines.
You climb into bed and recover the flesh.
You close your eyes and allow them to be sewn shut.
You create an embrace and fall into it.
There is only one moment of pain or doubt
as you wonder how many multitudes are lying beside your body,
but a mouth kisses and a hand soothes the moment away.

enough.

Current mood: savage
so, every weekend we go to the alleycat or to 3crow, or to red door east. you know it, you've seen us all there. it's pretty easy to find me and my people.

i am so bored. i love my friends, yes, but if i don't get away from the east side trilogy i might end up maiming myself just to break up the monotony.

and alleycat on saturdays? don't act like you don't know...it is the 30-somethings singles bar. and yet i go (even though i am NOT single but because this is where my single friends want to go), EVERY weekend. i love you all, but can we maybe go somewhere else to do this? not every weekend, just every other weekend? how about dinner? does anyone want to go have dinner? how about bowling? roller skating? darts? go cart racing? jazz club? tennis? the mall?

this blog and plea will go down in flames, i know it. but it just had to be said.

oh ya, and ps. i hate freedom.

Townes.

for about a year and a half, i fell asleep every night listening to townes van zandt. every once in a while i revisit this time period in daydreams laced in fond nostalgia. i think this house i have moved into brings it all back...something about having a room of my own and the little noises of the people i love just outside my bedroom door as i sleep.

this house feels good. it did the second jill and i stepped into it. i sleep soundly, and more than anything, i want to be AT HOME. we play silly games with oliie, we chase him and the doggies all around the house. we invite people over for dinner, we drink wine, we drink cheap and fancy beer and one of us even does really bad tequila shots and regrets it the next day (not me, i have a very sophisticated palette for tequila). this house is a place to be with friends.


our porch....our porch is a little haven...a place where we can recap the day, laugh at each other while we play dirty mad-libs, a place for serious conversations or a place to just "be".


my house in austin was the same way. i don't remember a day when the house ever felt lonely despite many nights of me actually spending time alone. the house always echoed with memories of friends, lovers and family. deciding to move from the house in austin was predetermined by fate. everyone who lived there, aline, chenoa and i; pretty much decided at the same time that it was right to move on. i was given the opportunity to move to nashville for a job i am no longer with (completely different blog, but it got me here didn't it?), aline was needing to live alone to become the married lady she is today, and chenoa...now, chenoa was a free spirit (could you tell by the name?) and to this day i am not quite sure where she is. i hope wherever she is, she is healthy and happy.

i am very aware of my profound nostalgia for austin lately. it's the heat, it's this house, it's finally feeling like i have a family here....i love my people.

the buddhist believe- small little reminders or so-called coincidences let you know you are on the right path. maybe my nostalgia for townes and for austin just means i am on the right path...because my time in austin was just so right.

this house, as well, just feels right and i hope we never have to move. but its inevitable. yes?

disturbing.

i spent all of last night waking up from a dream where i moved back to austin. sounds terrible right? moving back is something i have thought about off and on the entire 6 years i have lived here...but last night, very clearly in a dream, i realized it is not a possibility. i woke up crying twice and all because i missed my friends and dougie so much it made austin seem like a prison. strange how the mind works.

they say dreams are a playground, a way of working out problems, living your fantasies, dealing with your fears. i know some people who never remember their dreams, its a shame, because if they can't remember, how do they know the answers to the questions their subconscious poses?

sultry Austin.

seriously, i don't mind a little perspiration. i don't mind the little glisten that arises on my skin on the walk from the house to the car. what i do mind is the several showers a day, the waste of water, not to mention the water bill at the end of the month. i have honestly become a total and complete wussy (yes, i said wussy). when i lived in texas, the summer heat in austin was palpable. it sunk into your dreams, your nightmares. the heat dictated your days. but, it was expected and little watering holes were the joy of my summer days.

nashville, on the other hand, has no such little holes. no 30 minute dripping wet hike through the hill country of south austin with the reward of a nice dip in finger lakes at the end of the trek. no barton springs, no lake austin. no, sir. what we have here is the muddy slow moving little rivers a la the harpeth. enjoyable, but nowhere near the nice, cool, clear water of austin.

would i change my location again? would i suffer the exaggeratedly hot days of texas summer just for a weekly dip in some cool spring fed water? maybe. maybe not.

so for now, if you see me walking around east nashville and then sitting in a kiddy pool in my front yard, don't wake me up...i am daydreaming of long summer days in austin. beautifully sultry austin.

I am one of those people.

after all these years, i have come to realize, i am one of those people:

-who cries openly: free of all inhibitions...if i am moved- sadness, happiness, goosebumps displayed fully to the world, i will cry.
-who loves animals: my animals are my people, my dog (who someone FINALLY told me today "she looks just like you, its something in the eyes"), my cat (who is staying at my dougie's house until a door is put on my new bedroom-different story), my fish (i never would have believed i could love fish, but here i am, in love with them and their very distinct personalities), my housemates's little dogs (lulu- who thinks she is my annabelle's sidekick- whom i love to watch explore the outdoors because she is so tiny in comparison to the world around her but who despite this, explores confidently and with vigor) and george (who idolizes little ollie but at the same time is concerned he may squash him)
-who cares for her friends so greatly i sometime cannot sleep at night worrying about their happiness... because, in turn, i am sure they do the same for me...
-who loves to laugh: snorting being my favorite (because if you make me snort, you are forever my friend), through tears (my second favorite...because i am an optimist, even when times are at the worst level of horrific, if you make me laugh through tears, you have uncovered the key to my being)
- who loves to be fantastically silly (ask anyone- i will dance a jig or make up a song just to make myself laugh hysterically...which i do quite frequently..no, really. if you know me, you know this)
- who believes in love- for everyone (if you believe hard enough, it will land in your lap and you will wonder years later "how did i get here?"
-who believes good things happen to bad people for a while, but if you keep moving forward and keep growing it will get better...or at least it will be easier to distinguish the good from the truly bad and the pain from the growth.
-who believes in dreams and working on yourself and your goals even once you have achieved them...for only dreams keep us alive...

i am truly happy at this moment in time. mostly because i know that even if i am not exactly where i want to be, i can move myself forward with my own strength pushing me forward and my loved ones blowing backup in my sails.

cheese, i know. but that's me. take it or leave it.

I hear you and I know.

The time spent over the last few days was one of great emotion, reflection and warmth. I just returned from a trip to my best friend's wedding. I can't believe Aline is now married! it was, quite possibly, the most poignantly beautiful wedding I have ever attended or participated in. The weekend started with my first massage ever on Thursday. The bridesmaids and I went to a spa in Austin and had a steam and a 1 hour massage each. Despite my previous apprehensions of having a stranger intimately touching me, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I have never been as relaxed and comfortable with my body as I was during and afterwards. I may be a little late on this little self indulgence, but if you haven't had a massage yourself, I would suggest treating yourself at your earliest opportunity! I know I am now completely addicted and will be spending all my extra income on massages.
Thursday night we met up with a large group of the groom's college buddies. Steve has been in pretty close contact with about 30 of his college friends for 30 years or so (did you find yourself doing the math? yes, Steve is a bit older than Aline). Dinner was fantastic and afterwards we all went to a rooftop bar to have drinks. I truly enjoyed meeting all of his friends and felt completely at home almost immediately. Hopefully this won't sound completely trashy, but in case you didn't know, older men won't let a woman pay for anything...also, the conversations are incredibly stimulating! Many of the wives were in attendance as well, and were exceptionally welcoming and impressive!

Friday was very busy but I was able to start the day off at the pool of my campy little motel right in the heart of the S. Congress area a few blocks from Town Lake and downtown...then I did a little shopping along S. Congress outside my motel. Being in Austin again made me realize how much I miss living in a pedestrian friendly city. The area is so funky and vibrant...with plenty of shops, coffee houses, bars and restaurants all along the street. Later in the day we had rehearsal and then a very intimate rehearsal dinner. I can say dinner was pretty intense because of the amount of love and warmth in the room. Steve and Aline welcomed us all by saying the rehearsal dinner was for their closest family and friends. Steve, who is not afraid of showing his emotions at all, made a speech about how marriage, friendships and family relationships are about love, passion, and sharing. Most importantly, he said, marriage is about having someone who is witness to your life...the good, the bad, faults and all. It's about having someone there who chooses to accept everything about you and who respects your views, goals and your love enough to work through difficulties and challenges. I don't think there was a dry eye in the room for about an hour and a half. Aline's parents, whom I respect and care for greatly, were celebrating their 33rd anniversary and it made the celebration that much more special.

Saturday was the wedding day...and again it was very moving. The entire wedding was gorgeous and loving...very special and I was honored to be a part of this day with them. I am pretty sure I have never been witness to a more heartfelt union. They were married by the same priest who had married Aline's parents 33 years prior.

Aline and Steve make perfect sense. You can see it in the way they look at each other, how they listen and respect one another, how they WANT to speak to one another, how they treat those around them and finally, how they make those around them feel honored. The entire weekend made me think about what it means to have people in your life who will be there no matter what..and how important it is to not only communicate with them frequently, but to make sure you listen completely.

As Aline said to Steve, "I hear you, and I know."