Waitin' Round to Die....

So. I suffer from depression. Don't we all? I'm beginning to think so. Sometimes I wonder how much of it is actually real and how much is all in my head. (pun intended). How much is chemical and how much of chemical is reality? Right?

I'm having a hard time lately. Seems not much is going right. Right?

And I grasp on to what my friends and my sweet, sweet Mom tell me:

"It shall pass"
"It will get better, it has to"
"No matter how poor you are, there's always soup" (from my Granny)
etc, etc.

And yet sometimes I seclude myself to my bed. My bed will make it all better.
And I think, if only I could smoke in my bed (inner dialogue, but what if I fell asleep with a cigarette burning? Do i want to be a 60's/70's cliche'?) If only my 2 addictions could become one (who am I kidding, my 3, let's include alcohol).
Alone. In bed. Smoke filling my room.

And other times that might just make it worse.

So. I go out.
Into the masses.
Fake smile.
Dosing myself with $3.00 Miller Lite drafts.
Beer (I can't afford)
Smiles (that don't come naturally)
and music.
Isn't there always music?
But it reminds me...I'm not crazy. They always remind me:

This.

Has.

Been.

Felt.

Before.

We all feel SO MUCH. (don't we?)

And then tonight, on my porch, my girls remind me that we're not in this alone. We will always (hopefully) have someone who knows what. Who can sense everything, without me or you saying a word.

And you remember, its all background. It's all where you came from and where you're going.

And we all (hopefully) can hold onto- THIS.

Just keep holding on.