If you had one hour to grab all that's important...

This has been the thought going through my mind as I've helped strangers and friends clean out their flooded homes. After all I've seen, I keep thinking about Mary. Mary has lived in the same home in Madison for 50 years. Mary's house wasn't just a place she lived, it was her home. A home full of memories; memories drowned within the flooded walls, in photo albums, in her Lane cedar chest, and in long forgotten jewelry boxes. Memories she carries in her mind and in her heart, memories soaked in the stench of the overflowing waters of the Cumberland. For Mary, the flood reminded her of all these long forgotten memories. She watched with courage and optimism as we helped clean out her home. Just like memories, her belongings were strewn about her home, only these memories were haphazardly tossed about by 3-4 feet of flood water. Mary courageously stood by as we were about to carry out her "hope chest". Mary said to Teresa and I, "Please be careful with this top drawer. It didn't get wet and this is the cake topper from my wedding." I choked back tears as I carried photo albums to her front porch to dry out as they all but disintegrated in my gloved hands. Mary and her family thanked us each time we lifted a piece of furniture. They thanked us every time we walked back into Mary's home and each time we walked out with another memory. When we were finished cleaning out what we could of her soaked memories, she simply said, "God bless you. How can I ever repay you?" It took all the strength I had to just give her a positive smile, pat her small shoulder and accept her thanks and blessings.

This week I have been hesitant to say much about my feelings regarding the flooding that has devastated Nashville. Mostly for fear of really dealing with what I have witnessed in my adoptive hometown. But now, I've had some time to let it sink in, and I have come to terms with my feelings about it all. I have not, however, come to terms with what has happened. The most profound emotion I have had since last weekend is gratitude. Gratitude for the people I have met along my path here in Nashville. Gratitude for strangers I have met who made a choice to reach out and help those in need. Gratitude for people like Mary, who reminded me, it's not just about the material possessions, but about memories and community and the most profound spirit and the will to survive and move forward.

We will move forward, we will rebuild. And on the other side of all this devastation, we will come out stronger and with a renewed spirit and sense of community. A community of all walks of life, religious backgrounds, age groups, financial and political beliefs. We will know we can depend on each other.

And for this, I am filled with gratitude, with awe, with spirit, and with love.

I am so very proud to call Nashville my home.

We ARE Nashville.

against the wind...

This song always stops me in my tracks. I love it, it's beautiful.


The years rolled slowly past
And I found myself alone
Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends
I found myself further and further from my home
And I guess I lost my way
There were oh so many roads
I was living to run and running to live
Never worryied about paying or even how much I owed
Moving eight miles a minute for months at a time
Breaking all of the rules that would bend
I began to find myself searching
Searching for shelter again and again


Against the wind
A little something against the wind
I found myself seeking shelter sgainst the wind


Well those drifter's days are past me now
I've got so much more to think about
Deadlines and commitments
What to leave in, what to leave out


Against the wind
I'm still runnin' against the wind
I'm older now but still runnin' against the wind
Well I'm older now and still runnin'
Against the wind


I wish the video quality was better...

I've never sinned

I have a list of what I would like to happen at my funeral. I think it's perfectly normal...if you grew up Catholic.

Of course the normal stuff would have to occur. All you people would have to come to a proper open casket viewing and say things like, "wow, she's never looked more peaceful" or "she was such an awesome lady" or "I wonder who did her makeup?" (Shan, you've now been in my blog twice.)

I would hope no one would do anything crazy like:

overturn the casket trying to jump in with me.

try to hold my hand when we've never held hands before (dead hands are cold, it's weird, it's creepy, I would never want you to feel uncomfortable.)

put some weird shit in the casket, like a Dwell magazine or something. I'm dead, I can't read and I wouldn't actually care about some lovely, minimalist home no one could ever live in. I'm in heaven. I would hope it's minimalist enough for my taste.

I would hope someone would:

make sure I don't have on panty hose or tights. those suck.

make sure my boobs look perky. (maybe I'd leave this to Jessica. She likes boobs since she thinks she's boob-less. little does she accept, she's lucky. I've told her.)

And finally, I would hope no one would get shit mixed up and play this version of my funeral song:

toothpaste, that's right, toothpaste.

I've long searched for the perfect toothpaste. Not too foamy, not too gritty, not too not foamy.

My friend Shannon is a gum critic. She tries them all and knows about the new ones before they come out. I'm pretty sure she has a spy within Orbit or Trident or all of them.

I need a spy.

I can't even tell you how many tubes of toothpaste I keep half full in my home. I mean, I throw them out eventually, because you can't really sell them at a yard sale or anything. And toothpaste is a weird thing to give away. Maybe I'll start taking them to clothes swaps or something.

Anyway, I have a new absolute favorite. Are you ready? Did I keep you in suspense long enough? Can you even stand waiting to know what I use on my precious teeth?

drumroll, please. no? okay.

Crest 3D whitening is the newest winner. Man, my teeth feel clean and I'm pretty sure they are getting whiter with every brushing.

That's all I had to say. I totally created this blog specifically to tell you about my preference in toothpaste. I'm not even kidding.

there’s nothing I can do.

The great big heart I have
Apologizes too much
And worries about you too often.

The great big heart I have
Always puts you first
And myself second.

The great big heart I have
Believes in the power
And the everything that is us.

The great big heart I have
Understands it's not my choice
And it's not within my power.

The great big heart I have
Loves you
And craves your happiness.

But.

The great big heart I have
Is always left
Wanting more
Needing more
And expecting too much.

living and dying.

There's a lesson about living and dying. I don't exactly comprehend it all. I make an attempt at having a grasp on it, at least as far as I understand it. I'm not morbid (at least not abnormally so…) but my understanding is: When you know you're going to die, you only surround yourself with people who mean the most. You allow yourself the freedom of completely expressing your emotions. When you're living without the acknowledgment of death, you surround yourself with people who may or may not be just for the moment...People who may or may not understand exactly what you're about or where you've come from.

When you know you're dying, when you acknowledge your mortality, you make an effort to ensure the people you love; know you love them. And not just that, but you make sure they know why. Why can't we live our lives, our entire lives, with the idea of dying in mind? Not the scared and apprehensive idea of knowing we're going to die, but the grateful and loving idea of the end of our demise and the end of ourselves as our loved ones see us?

No matter what any one person believes, our, my, your impact on the people we surround ourselves with will miss the void that is us, me, you. And believe it or not, every person you come across during your life will be missed by you or someone.

And if that isn't a reason for being kind, being good, being generous, being just…then I don't know what is.

A lesson learned.

If you just take a look around your house, your apartment, your dwelling; it's pretty easy to say to yourself "I own all of this…" and it's a beautiful thing. You work, you earn money, you make a goal and you achieve it. The more difficult task is to look past the material objects and look deeper. We don't actually own our relationships, because you yourself can't simply "own" them.

Relationships aren't about "ownership", they're about a give and take. They're about reciprocation. They're about complete and total acceptance of another human being and accepting responsibility for your role in creating an understanding. Some of these relationships are ingrained in your being due to time spent and an acknowledgment of a shared past. Some of them, inexplicably, just exist from the very second you first exchanged a simple hello.

Relationships, romantic or otherwise, be they male/female, female/female, male/male, are the truest form of art in existence. They are a creation, worthy of the time put into them. Without time, there is nothing. Without work, they simply will not exist.

Over the course of several years, I believe I have come to terms with the difference in my relationships. I have truly great friendships, I have friends, I have family, I have acquaintances, I have loves. No matter what category I put these people in, I believe in giving my all, I believe in sharing, I believe in giving to the most exaggerated degree.

I do not, however, share my soul with everyone. I leave this most intimate view for only the few who I know won't take advantage. I sincerely hope these people know how much I treasure them. I hope they know how much I value their friendship.

And this, such a difficult and yet simple thing to put into words, has no tangible value whatsoever. But in my heart is worth more than everything.