A lesson learned.

If you just take a look around your house, your apartment, your dwelling; it's pretty easy to say to yourself "I own all of this…" and it's a beautiful thing. You work, you earn money, you make a goal and you achieve it. The more difficult task is to look past the material objects and look deeper. We don't actually own our relationships, because you yourself can't simply "own" them.

Relationships aren't about "ownership", they're about a give and take. They're about reciprocation. They're about complete and total acceptance of another human being and accepting responsibility for your role in creating an understanding. Some of these relationships are ingrained in your being due to time spent and an acknowledgment of a shared past. Some of them, inexplicably, just exist from the very second you first exchanged a simple hello.

Relationships, romantic or otherwise, be they male/female, female/female, male/male, are the truest form of art in existence. They are a creation, worthy of the time put into them. Without time, there is nothing. Without work, they simply will not exist.

Over the course of several years, I believe I have come to terms with the difference in my relationships. I have truly great friendships, I have friends, I have family, I have acquaintances, I have loves. No matter what category I put these people in, I believe in giving my all, I believe in sharing, I believe in giving to the most exaggerated degree.

I do not, however, share my soul with everyone. I leave this most intimate view for only the few who I know won't take advantage. I sincerely hope these people know how much I treasure them. I hope they know how much I value their friendship.

And this, such a difficult and yet simple thing to put into words, has no tangible value whatsoever. But in my heart is worth more than everything.

Picture Book

Mom sent me some photos tonight and I have some words to share about my feelings regarding them, but I'm not exactly ready to share them with the masses (and by masses, I mean all of you who read my "blog").

I will simply say, we should speak to our parents, grandparents and great-grandparents before they are gone. They have stories, they've lived entire lives. We have no idea. We should ask questions. We should really care. We're the reason they existed (I know: I don't mean they're the reason we exist, the statement is intentional). We're the absolute proof of their love.

I have regrets when it comes to asking my family questions. Why did I allow certain subjects to be taboo?

I have had two Grandmothers pass. I have one still currently living. All 3 of my Grandfathers are no longer living. They all had (and have) so much wisdom to share and most of us take this for granted.

We don't know everything. I don't know everything.

Here are some photos my Mom sent me today.

for the record.

04 Jul 08 Friday 3:17 AM

I make a pretty solid attempt at living my life as a very stand up individual. I say what I think. I do what I feel. Sometimes, I'm honest to the point of brutality. I am direct. I attempt not to play games. For the most part, I am this person. I am this person who lives according to a set of self proclaimed guidelines and rules: personal ethics; if you will. I do not believe in abiding by societies' rules. It is not because I judge societies' rules; you can have them if you feel it necessary.

Lately, however, there has been some trivial controversy surrounding my ethics. There has been some tiny minute drama concerning my life-style choices. And I have been pretty upfront about my belief in rising above what some people perceive as poor choices. I have refused to be defensive. I have refused to take a part in the entire debacle. I am, for the most part, proud of myself. I am not always proud of specific choices I have made but I have a belief system and the ability to discern (for myself) whether or not I have been a good person or bad person. However, with all this being said, I am not made of stone. I feel. I hurt. I get angry. And no matter what, no matter what anyone says or what I say, you make your choice to believe in me. You make the choice to understand where I'm coming from or to forgive me for my grievances.

I am, exactly who I am. I am human. Just like you. And no matter what anyone says about me, I will keep going. I will persevere. You can't forever hurt me. I have more strength than any negativity you can throw my way. I have more strength than this life gives me credit for.

I get where you're coming from...

When you're young and you feel you have so little to risk, it's easy to say things you aren't necessarily sure you believe in. You say things like, "I love you", when you've only known someone for a moment, you say things like, "let's move away together, it's easy to start over, you should go…"

But when you're a little older, the connections you have in this world become less fleeting, they become more real and complete connections and these connections aren't exactly something you're really able or ready to simply throw away on a whim.

I've been here 8 years now. Actually, 8 years almost exactly give or take a few days. And the people I have met here have become the threads woven into the tapestry that is my life. To even think about leaving would only cause an unraveling unlike any I've ever experienced.

If I ever say to you, "I'm going", If I ever say to you, "I'm over this", I only expect you to say, "I completely understand, I get where you're coming from", but I don't expect to hear you tell me to go.

And if you do, I'll just say, "I completely understand, I get where you're coming from."

-------------

Every once in a while you take that long forgotten path down memory lane and along the way you keep your eyes narrowly focused on the good and allow the bad to take the back seat on the journey. Doing so allows you to smile. Doing so allows you to forget all the sadness and all the pain. Doing so allows you to keep the crying, the hurt, the anger, completely stowed away. Who wants to remember the baggage anyway? It's so much better to keep the funny little inside jokes outside and the "fuck yous" and "go to hells" hidden and forgotten. But I think a little bit of our path becomes hazy if we choose to ignore those things.
Looking on the sunny side is good for our souls for a while, until we start to allow them to beat up on our souls in spite of growth and understanding. I say if you're angry, say so. If you're hurt, shout it out loud. But then move on and accept where you've been and what you've allowed yourself to go through. Unless it was utterly malicious, then you had a part in the wrong as well. You allowed yourself to be there. No one story is ever completely one-sided. It just always appears that way to you because that's the only frame of reference you have to work with. You make the choice to move on. You decide your path. And again, your path should always be about forward motion. You just have to decide the pace at which your forward motion progresses.

fragile

You make me feel fragile.
you make me feel fragile.
you do.
and I can't do anything about it.

I can ignore you.
I can make myself unavailable.
I can make a conscious effort to decide to not be where you are.
But none of it matters.
Not even the slightest of the tiniest bit.
Because no matter what I do,
No matter what I tell myself,
You have an impact on me and my emotions.
And I can't control any of it.

I’m not scared. I’m scared.

I'm not scared of East Nashville in the middle of the night....actually, not in the middle, not at all, not the wee hours of the morning when all the drunks are driving home, not even the worst part of town where all the "undesireable people" we choose to ignore, live. I'm not scared of my own daily solitude, of time alone with my own thoughts. The danger doesn't really lie there. I'm scared of unending solitude...you know the "alone on a desert island" question. Yeah, NO, thanks...not even with my favorite book or music. I'm not scared of losing my family. I know they will always be in my heart. I'm scared of them thinking I don't care. I'm not scared of tap water, I'm scared of running out of water. I'm not scared of bill collectors, I'm scared of not having a roof over my head.

We all have so much to be scared of. Let's not let it be each other.

I love my family and friends, so very much. If I don't say it enough, I'm sorry. And this is my biggest fear of all.

xo
m