I'm not scared of East Nashville in the middle of the night....actually, not in the middle, not at all, not the wee hours of the morning when all the drunks are driving home, not even the worst part of town where all the "undesireable people" we choose to ignore, live. I'm not scared of my own daily solitude, of time alone with my own thoughts. The danger doesn't really lie there. I'm scared of unending solitude...you know the "alone on a desert island" question. Yeah, NO, thanks...not even with my favorite book or music. I'm not scared of losing my family. I know they will always be in my heart. I'm scared of them thinking I don't care. I'm not scared of tap water, I'm scared of running out of water. I'm not scared of bill collectors, I'm scared of not having a roof over my head.
We all have so much to be scared of. Let's not let it be each other.
I love my family and friends, so very much. If I don't say it enough, I'm sorry. And this is my biggest fear of all.
xo
m
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
I know the first time I heard the B52’s.
I was at Cappy Malacek’s house. She had some old albums. She had a really bad record player. We listened, I was changed forever (and no it wasn’t Love Shack). It wasn’t necessarily the most poignant moment in my music appreciation history, but in my memory it speaks volumes nonetheless. (for those who don’t know, I’ll just say, my first concert ever was Three Dog Night. Mom and Dad took my sister Tina and i to the Austin Aqua Festival, and Three Dog Night was playing a concert that night. Mom and Dad also bought Tina and I each a 3/4 length sleeve black and white ringer tee or maybe they bought us one to share..all I know is that i was there and for reasons completely unknown to me, I remember it...)
Remembering where you were and who you were with when a specific moment occurred in your life isn’t the simplest of memories to place. Sometimes, it’s like it was yesterday, and other times, the memories become clouded in a distant, hazy fog mixed up with other memories, jumbled with dreams and spit out for you to wonder if it ever really happened at all.
I remember the first time I met specific people here in Nashville. I remember how and why and who; and well, how. But lately I’m wondering how it’s possible to see people off and on for years at a time and never really know who they are. I’ve seen people, I’ve skimmed the crowd...gaze inadvertently skipping over while my eyes were scanning the crowd for a "familiar" face. Suddenly, I am curious; was it because they became a fixture in my every day life? (or every night life?) or was it because I simply chose not to see?
As always, i have more to say; but as Rob would say (condescendingly) "I love drunk Michelle post-ums." And yes, Michelle is drunk and tomorrow this may or may not be deleted.
xo
m
ps. It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day. You know how I feel.
Remembering where you were and who you were with when a specific moment occurred in your life isn’t the simplest of memories to place. Sometimes, it’s like it was yesterday, and other times, the memories become clouded in a distant, hazy fog mixed up with other memories, jumbled with dreams and spit out for you to wonder if it ever really happened at all.
I remember the first time I met specific people here in Nashville. I remember how and why and who; and well, how. But lately I’m wondering how it’s possible to see people off and on for years at a time and never really know who they are. I’ve seen people, I’ve skimmed the crowd...gaze inadvertently skipping over while my eyes were scanning the crowd for a "familiar" face. Suddenly, I am curious; was it because they became a fixture in my every day life? (or every night life?) or was it because I simply chose not to see?
As always, i have more to say; but as Rob would say (condescendingly) "I love drunk Michelle post-ums." And yes, Michelle is drunk and tomorrow this may or may not be deleted.
xo
m
ps. It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day. You know how I feel.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
You are a leader without any followers.
Haven't been sleeping very well and these are some of the things on my mind.
1. Went to see Control at the Belcourt over the weekend. First of all, the story is a superbly written account of Ian Curtis' rise and fall. If you know anything about Joy Division, I am sure you are already aware of his battle with depression and epilepsy. I am very often in awe of people who are so keenly and simultaneously aware of the beauty and ugliness of life. I think no matter what, even if you're not a fan of Joy Division, the film itself is just so gorgeously shot that it's worth a watch. First of all it's in super high contrast black and white, so visually it's really lovely. Secondly, each frame is perfectly composed and would work independently as a photographic still. Just lovely.
2. I recently discovered Pandora (I may be a little late on this one). Right now I'm listening to a Joy Division station/mix. Some tracks on the station are somewhat obvious (Joy Division Station thus far includes: New Order, The Cure, well, and Joy Division. Right now, Modern English is playing.) I am pretty much in love with this idea since I'm a little bored with my music selection. More experiments to come. I wonder what would happen if I put in something a little more obscure like Mulatu Astatke. Ok, so I did it. So far, so good. Damn. I love Pandora!
3. We have mice. They are driving me crazy. After 3 months of traps (that haven't caught a damn one) and poison in the basement, the landlord has finally hired a professional exterminator to come today and take care of the problem. I used to be one of those people who didn't want to kill them, but now I want those little bastards dead. We can hear them in the walls, scratching at the innards of this house throughout the night. It's the most annoying sound in the world. Also, for some irrational reason, I keep thinking they're gonna fall from the ceiling into my bed while I'm sleeping. It's dumb. I'm dumb. They're dumb.
4. I'm addicted to reading other peoples' blogs. Especially if they are smart. I like smart people. The only problem is unless you know them personally, it kinda creates a false intimacy. Like, because you are reading their thoughts, you know them and how their mind works. This is not the case, because some people formulate their thoughts specifically to get you to like them. Maybe, maybe not. I don't, per se. What I do is say exactly what I think and type it as it comes to me. Some people maybe edit themselves a little more...this 4 is dumb. I don't know why I'm saying this, but to further my case regarding me not being calculated when it comes to blogs, I'm gonna post it anyway.
5. I got sucked into stuffwhitepeoplelike. It's one of those obviously funny blogs with observations to make you question your own cleverness (or lack thereof).
6. I need a job. I have an interview today, so hopefully they'll see how smart, funny, good I am. It's worse than a freaking first date. I have about 30 minutes to convince them of my abilities. Ugh.
7. Insomnia is one of the worst afflictions you could ever wish on your worst enemy.
8. A Guatemalan man read my palm at Alley Cat this past Sunday. He said, in Spanish, "You are scared of falling in love."(duh, who the hell isn't. and if they aren't, what the hell is wrong with them?) He also said "You are a leader without any followers. But in time, you will have followers." This keeps resonating in my head, "You are a leader without any followers." "You are a leader without any followers." No shit. I don't really want followers. It makes me nervous. I am barely responsible enough for myself. I mean, I'm responsible, but not really. Case in point, It was such a lovely day Sunday that my girlfriends and I went to the neighborhood bar and drank from 4pm in the afternoon to last call at 3am. I guess because it was 2 4 1's, I was kinda being responsible. Also, I would just like to point out that I was able to understand the majority of what this man was saying throughout the entire evening. I was able to translate for my friends and even speak to him in Spanish for most of what I needed to say. I want to be fluent.
I have nothing else.
xo
m
ps. More Joy Division. I love them.
1. Went to see Control at the Belcourt over the weekend. First of all, the story is a superbly written account of Ian Curtis' rise and fall. If you know anything about Joy Division, I am sure you are already aware of his battle with depression and epilepsy. I am very often in awe of people who are so keenly and simultaneously aware of the beauty and ugliness of life. I think no matter what, even if you're not a fan of Joy Division, the film itself is just so gorgeously shot that it's worth a watch. First of all it's in super high contrast black and white, so visually it's really lovely. Secondly, each frame is perfectly composed and would work independently as a photographic still. Just lovely.
2. I recently discovered Pandora (I may be a little late on this one). Right now I'm listening to a Joy Division station/mix. Some tracks on the station are somewhat obvious (Joy Division Station thus far includes: New Order, The Cure, well, and Joy Division. Right now, Modern English is playing.) I am pretty much in love with this idea since I'm a little bored with my music selection. More experiments to come. I wonder what would happen if I put in something a little more obscure like Mulatu Astatke. Ok, so I did it. So far, so good. Damn. I love Pandora!
3. We have mice. They are driving me crazy. After 3 months of traps (that haven't caught a damn one) and poison in the basement, the landlord has finally hired a professional exterminator to come today and take care of the problem. I used to be one of those people who didn't want to kill them, but now I want those little bastards dead. We can hear them in the walls, scratching at the innards of this house throughout the night. It's the most annoying sound in the world. Also, for some irrational reason, I keep thinking they're gonna fall from the ceiling into my bed while I'm sleeping. It's dumb. I'm dumb. They're dumb.
4. I'm addicted to reading other peoples' blogs. Especially if they are smart. I like smart people. The only problem is unless you know them personally, it kinda creates a false intimacy. Like, because you are reading their thoughts, you know them and how their mind works. This is not the case, because some people formulate their thoughts specifically to get you to like them. Maybe, maybe not. I don't, per se. What I do is say exactly what I think and type it as it comes to me. Some people maybe edit themselves a little more...this 4 is dumb. I don't know why I'm saying this, but to further my case regarding me not being calculated when it comes to blogs, I'm gonna post it anyway.
5. I got sucked into stuffwhitepeoplelike. It's one of those obviously funny blogs with observations to make you question your own cleverness (or lack thereof).
6. I need a job. I have an interview today, so hopefully they'll see how smart, funny, good I am. It's worse than a freaking first date. I have about 30 minutes to convince them of my abilities. Ugh.
7. Insomnia is one of the worst afflictions you could ever wish on your worst enemy.
8. A Guatemalan man read my palm at Alley Cat this past Sunday. He said, in Spanish, "You are scared of falling in love."(duh, who the hell isn't. and if they aren't, what the hell is wrong with them?) He also said "You are a leader without any followers. But in time, you will have followers." This keeps resonating in my head, "You are a leader without any followers." "You are a leader without any followers." No shit. I don't really want followers. It makes me nervous. I am barely responsible enough for myself. I mean, I'm responsible, but not really. Case in point, It was such a lovely day Sunday that my girlfriends and I went to the neighborhood bar and drank from 4pm in the afternoon to last call at 3am. I guess because it was 2 4 1's, I was kinda being responsible. Also, I would just like to point out that I was able to understand the majority of what this man was saying throughout the entire evening. I was able to translate for my friends and even speak to him in Spanish for most of what I needed to say. I want to be fluent.
I have nothing else.
xo
m
ps. More Joy Division. I love them.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
and I shall call this, "boys should have longer hair..."
Current mood:you can’t make me
You can't cut his hair. It's turned into his, you know, "thing". All the ladies say to him, "you have the prettiest hair".
I think you should leave it alone until I move on and just let it grow...and then we'll cut it together as kind of an umbilical cord type ceremonial ceremony?
He's not mine at all. But I can't help but anticipate the missing.
The smells. The sounds. The cuddles. The commands. The funniest funnies. Aw man, the funnies. The fart machine?
Thank you for loaning his love to me. Thank you for allowing me the time.
x
m
ps. I'll miss you too.
You can't cut his hair. It's turned into his, you know, "thing". All the ladies say to him, "you have the prettiest hair".
I think you should leave it alone until I move on and just let it grow...and then we'll cut it together as kind of an umbilical cord type ceremonial ceremony?
He's not mine at all. But I can't help but anticipate the missing.
The smells. The sounds. The cuddles. The commands. The funniest funnies. Aw man, the funnies. The fart machine?
Thank you for loaning his love to me. Thank you for allowing me the time.
x
m
ps. I'll miss you too.
Friday, January 4, 2008
04 Jan 08 Friday 2:54 AM
We make the choices don’t we?
What do you want to drink? I’ll have a Miller Lite.
How many do you want? Until you stop asking.
How quick do I keep them coming? When I’m half done with this one, bring me another.
Do you want some water? What do I look like, a god damned camel?
And then you take a look around the bar and realize, what the fuck difference does it make? I’ve seen you, and you, and hey, that guy over there, and shit! There’s that one skanky girl who is always here!
But wait! Doesn’t that mean I’m always here too?
Fuck.
Give me another.
In the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter. We’re talking about Nietzsche. And now about Kahn (not Chaka), and then suddenly about if Obama stands a chance against Clinton (quite obviously Hillary).
And again, what the fuck difference does it make?
You’re still the drunk ass bitch*, sitting on the other side of the bar.
Waiting.
For nothing.
Sweet dreams.
x
m
*any similarities to people real or otherwise represented in fantasy, not necessarily the fault nor intention of the writer. I am no drunk skanky bitch.
subtext. this will most likely be deleted in the morning.
subtext 2. I’ve been home drinking water all night.
What do you want to drink? I’ll have a Miller Lite.
How many do you want? Until you stop asking.
How quick do I keep them coming? When I’m half done with this one, bring me another.
Do you want some water? What do I look like, a god damned camel?
And then you take a look around the bar and realize, what the fuck difference does it make? I’ve seen you, and you, and hey, that guy over there, and shit! There’s that one skanky girl who is always here!
But wait! Doesn’t that mean I’m always here too?
Fuck.
Give me another.
In the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter. We’re talking about Nietzsche. And now about Kahn (not Chaka), and then suddenly about if Obama stands a chance against Clinton (quite obviously Hillary).
And again, what the fuck difference does it make?
You’re still the drunk ass bitch*, sitting on the other side of the bar.
Waiting.
For nothing.
Sweet dreams.
x
m
*any similarities to people real or otherwise represented in fantasy, not necessarily the fault nor intention of the writer. I am no drunk skanky bitch.
subtext. this will most likely be deleted in the morning.
subtext 2. I’ve been home drinking water all night.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
the fine art of not sleeping
16 Oct 07 Tuesday 3:16 AM
If I were you, I wouldn't read this. It's gonna be boring and most likely put you to sleep. Which is kinda ironic, because...welllll....
Quite simply, I can't sleep when I get sick. I can't sleep other times as well, but let's just focus on the issue at hand. Medication does nothing for me. Nyquil? Forget it. I'll sleep hard for about 2 hours and then wake up throughout the night disoriented and high. Most medications have the complete opposite effect on me. If it says non-drowsy, most likely I'll be wired for about an hour and then completely crash. If it says "so you can rest" medicine, well, you get the picture.
I've found the best thing for me to do is to read/research or write. So, here I sit. 3:30am, a cup of herbal sleep tea steeping and 2 dogs by my side. Here are some of the things I'm looking at, thinking about or researching as I await the effects of my sleep tea:
We pretty much all know chamomile is used as a relaxant, but had you ever heard of skullcap?
From the Encyclopedia of Alternative Medicine:
Skullcap (Scutellaria lateriflora) is currently known best as a herbal sedative. By reducing tension, skullcap may contribute to lower blood pressure. Skullcap is also used as a remedy for exhaustion, convulsions, menstrual cramps, and as a treatment for withdrawal from alcohol and tobacco. The herb may be taken as a bitter tonic to boost digestion. Skullcap is also sometimes used as a remedy for hiccups, hangovers, and asthma.
Also, if you haven't stopped reading by now, I had yet another friend tell me today he's moving to the East Coast (specifically, NYC). Is all of Nashville moving to the East Coast? I mean, I'm happy for you all. I'm very supportive. But envy, she's getting the best of me. I love Nashville, please don't get me wrong. However, the idea of moving is something I think about pretty frequently. I am constantly looking at job openings on professional design websites (most openings are in Chicago, NYC, Atlanta -no thanks, Dallas, TX -no thanks). Granted, starting salaries for openings where I meet the prerequisite experience is pretty menial (at best). With that being said, it's the same case if I took a design job here in Nashville.
What else...? Yeah, I feel like all the articles and news I'm reading are definitely pointing to some type of recession. If not a full blown recession, we're at least on the edge of a serious financial slow down and this gal's worried.
Anyway, despite my pessimism, I'm optimistic? yeah, I didn't think it made much sense either, but it's the truth.
To bed with me where I shall listen to music and attempt to allow slumber to have her way with me.
**disclaimer** any typos or grammatical errors are the fault of the skullcap and not a fair representation of the writer.
ps. still not in bed. Decided to read about Marquise Casati instead.
If I were you, I wouldn't read this. It's gonna be boring and most likely put you to sleep. Which is kinda ironic, because...welllll....
Quite simply, I can't sleep when I get sick. I can't sleep other times as well, but let's just focus on the issue at hand. Medication does nothing for me. Nyquil? Forget it. I'll sleep hard for about 2 hours and then wake up throughout the night disoriented and high. Most medications have the complete opposite effect on me. If it says non-drowsy, most likely I'll be wired for about an hour and then completely crash. If it says "so you can rest" medicine, well, you get the picture.
I've found the best thing for me to do is to read/research or write. So, here I sit. 3:30am, a cup of herbal sleep tea steeping and 2 dogs by my side. Here are some of the things I'm looking at, thinking about or researching as I await the effects of my sleep tea:
We pretty much all know chamomile is used as a relaxant, but had you ever heard of skullcap?
From the Encyclopedia of Alternative Medicine:
Skullcap (Scutellaria lateriflora) is currently known best as a herbal sedative. By reducing tension, skullcap may contribute to lower blood pressure. Skullcap is also used as a remedy for exhaustion, convulsions, menstrual cramps, and as a treatment for withdrawal from alcohol and tobacco. The herb may be taken as a bitter tonic to boost digestion. Skullcap is also sometimes used as a remedy for hiccups, hangovers, and asthma.
Also, if you haven't stopped reading by now, I had yet another friend tell me today he's moving to the East Coast (specifically, NYC). Is all of Nashville moving to the East Coast? I mean, I'm happy for you all. I'm very supportive. But envy, she's getting the best of me. I love Nashville, please don't get me wrong. However, the idea of moving is something I think about pretty frequently. I am constantly looking at job openings on professional design websites (most openings are in Chicago, NYC, Atlanta -no thanks, Dallas, TX -no thanks). Granted, starting salaries for openings where I meet the prerequisite experience is pretty menial (at best). With that being said, it's the same case if I took a design job here in Nashville.
What else...? Yeah, I feel like all the articles and news I'm reading are definitely pointing to some type of recession. If not a full blown recession, we're at least on the edge of a serious financial slow down and this gal's worried.
Anyway, despite my pessimism, I'm optimistic? yeah, I didn't think it made much sense either, but it's the truth.
To bed with me where I shall listen to music and attempt to allow slumber to have her way with me.
**disclaimer** any typos or grammatical errors are the fault of the skullcap and not a fair representation of the writer.
ps. still not in bed. Decided to read about Marquise Casati instead.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
How much for this one, no, this one right here?
15 Sep 07 Saturday 3:38 PM
You know, you're not allowed to just come in and rummage around whenever you want to. It's not like an antique mall where you can pick up all the old memories and then try to rearrange their placement, putting the forgotten ones back out onto the front shelves where they might get broken again. They were hidden in the back with good reason.
You know, you're not allowed to just come in and rummage around whenever you want to. It's not like an antique mall where you can pick up all the old memories and then try to rearrange their placement, putting the forgotten ones back out onto the front shelves where they might get broken again. They were hidden in the back with good reason.
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