We make the choices don’t we?
What do you want to drink? I’ll have a Miller Lite.
How many do you want? Until you stop asking.
How quick do I keep them coming? When I’m half done with this one, bring me another.
Do you want some water? What do I look like, a god damned camel?
And then you take a look around the bar and realize, what the fuck difference does it make? I’ve seen you, and you, and hey, that guy over there, and shit! There’s that one skanky girl who is always here!
But wait! Doesn’t that mean I’m always here too?
Fuck.
Give me another.
In the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter. We’re talking about Nietzsche. And now about Kahn (not Chaka), and then suddenly about if Obama stands a chance against Clinton (quite obviously Hillary).
And again, what the fuck difference does it make?
You’re still the drunk ass bitch*, sitting on the other side of the bar.
Waiting.
For nothing.
Sweet dreams.
x
m
*any similarities to people real or otherwise represented in fantasy, not necessarily the fault nor intention of the writer. I am no drunk skanky bitch.
subtext. this will most likely be deleted in the morning.
subtext 2. I’ve been home drinking water all night.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
the fine art of not sleeping
16 Oct 07 Tuesday 3:16 AM
If I were you, I wouldn't read this. It's gonna be boring and most likely put you to sleep. Which is kinda ironic, because...welllll....
Quite simply, I can't sleep when I get sick. I can't sleep other times as well, but let's just focus on the issue at hand. Medication does nothing for me. Nyquil? Forget it. I'll sleep hard for about 2 hours and then wake up throughout the night disoriented and high. Most medications have the complete opposite effect on me. If it says non-drowsy, most likely I'll be wired for about an hour and then completely crash. If it says "so you can rest" medicine, well, you get the picture.
I've found the best thing for me to do is to read/research or write. So, here I sit. 3:30am, a cup of herbal sleep tea steeping and 2 dogs by my side. Here are some of the things I'm looking at, thinking about or researching as I await the effects of my sleep tea:
We pretty much all know chamomile is used as a relaxant, but had you ever heard of skullcap?
From the Encyclopedia of Alternative Medicine:
Skullcap (Scutellaria lateriflora) is currently known best as a herbal sedative. By reducing tension, skullcap may contribute to lower blood pressure. Skullcap is also used as a remedy for exhaustion, convulsions, menstrual cramps, and as a treatment for withdrawal from alcohol and tobacco. The herb may be taken as a bitter tonic to boost digestion. Skullcap is also sometimes used as a remedy for hiccups, hangovers, and asthma.
Also, if you haven't stopped reading by now, I had yet another friend tell me today he's moving to the East Coast (specifically, NYC). Is all of Nashville moving to the East Coast? I mean, I'm happy for you all. I'm very supportive. But envy, she's getting the best of me. I love Nashville, please don't get me wrong. However, the idea of moving is something I think about pretty frequently. I am constantly looking at job openings on professional design websites (most openings are in Chicago, NYC, Atlanta -no thanks, Dallas, TX -no thanks). Granted, starting salaries for openings where I meet the prerequisite experience is pretty menial (at best). With that being said, it's the same case if I took a design job here in Nashville.
What else...? Yeah, I feel like all the articles and news I'm reading are definitely pointing to some type of recession. If not a full blown recession, we're at least on the edge of a serious financial slow down and this gal's worried.
Anyway, despite my pessimism, I'm optimistic? yeah, I didn't think it made much sense either, but it's the truth.
To bed with me where I shall listen to music and attempt to allow slumber to have her way with me.
**disclaimer** any typos or grammatical errors are the fault of the skullcap and not a fair representation of the writer.
ps. still not in bed. Decided to read about Marquise Casati instead.
If I were you, I wouldn't read this. It's gonna be boring and most likely put you to sleep. Which is kinda ironic, because...welllll....
Quite simply, I can't sleep when I get sick. I can't sleep other times as well, but let's just focus on the issue at hand. Medication does nothing for me. Nyquil? Forget it. I'll sleep hard for about 2 hours and then wake up throughout the night disoriented and high. Most medications have the complete opposite effect on me. If it says non-drowsy, most likely I'll be wired for about an hour and then completely crash. If it says "so you can rest" medicine, well, you get the picture.
I've found the best thing for me to do is to read/research or write. So, here I sit. 3:30am, a cup of herbal sleep tea steeping and 2 dogs by my side. Here are some of the things I'm looking at, thinking about or researching as I await the effects of my sleep tea:
We pretty much all know chamomile is used as a relaxant, but had you ever heard of skullcap?
From the Encyclopedia of Alternative Medicine:
Skullcap (Scutellaria lateriflora) is currently known best as a herbal sedative. By reducing tension, skullcap may contribute to lower blood pressure. Skullcap is also used as a remedy for exhaustion, convulsions, menstrual cramps, and as a treatment for withdrawal from alcohol and tobacco. The herb may be taken as a bitter tonic to boost digestion. Skullcap is also sometimes used as a remedy for hiccups, hangovers, and asthma.
Also, if you haven't stopped reading by now, I had yet another friend tell me today he's moving to the East Coast (specifically, NYC). Is all of Nashville moving to the East Coast? I mean, I'm happy for you all. I'm very supportive. But envy, she's getting the best of me. I love Nashville, please don't get me wrong. However, the idea of moving is something I think about pretty frequently. I am constantly looking at job openings on professional design websites (most openings are in Chicago, NYC, Atlanta -no thanks, Dallas, TX -no thanks). Granted, starting salaries for openings where I meet the prerequisite experience is pretty menial (at best). With that being said, it's the same case if I took a design job here in Nashville.
What else...? Yeah, I feel like all the articles and news I'm reading are definitely pointing to some type of recession. If not a full blown recession, we're at least on the edge of a serious financial slow down and this gal's worried.
Anyway, despite my pessimism, I'm optimistic? yeah, I didn't think it made much sense either, but it's the truth.
To bed with me where I shall listen to music and attempt to allow slumber to have her way with me.
**disclaimer** any typos or grammatical errors are the fault of the skullcap and not a fair representation of the writer.
ps. still not in bed. Decided to read about Marquise Casati instead.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
How much for this one, no, this one right here?
15 Sep 07 Saturday 3:38 PM
You know, you're not allowed to just come in and rummage around whenever you want to. It's not like an antique mall where you can pick up all the old memories and then try to rearrange their placement, putting the forgotten ones back out onto the front shelves where they might get broken again. They were hidden in the back with good reason.
You know, you're not allowed to just come in and rummage around whenever you want to. It's not like an antique mall where you can pick up all the old memories and then try to rearrange their placement, putting the forgotten ones back out onto the front shelves where they might get broken again. They were hidden in the back with good reason.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
if you knew my story word for word....
continuation of a texting conversation that you aren't privy to:
That's the way it goes though. Who doesn't want to feel like they are the only one? Who doesn't want to feel like you haven't been here with anyone else before. But it just gets more difficult with age. Unfortunately, what they can't see, is how they have never and you have never been there with them (or them with you) before. It's the most trying part of having a past, isn't it? The double edged sword. Had you never been in love or been infatuated prior...had you (or they) never felt love...it wouldn't mean the same to you (or to them).
That's the way it goes though. Who doesn't want to feel like they are the only one? Who doesn't want to feel like you haven't been here with anyone else before. But it just gets more difficult with age. Unfortunately, what they can't see, is how they have never and you have never been there with them (or them with you) before. It's the most trying part of having a past, isn't it? The double edged sword. Had you never been in love or been infatuated prior...had you (or they) never felt love...it wouldn't mean the same to you (or to them).
Thursday, July 26, 2007
I think I've lost my footing
26 Jul 07 Thursday 1:26 AM
It's all so very complicated, isn't it? And so you ask me. Your friend: the one who is willing to listen, is willing to give the advice, the one who will even tell you if you are so very wrong. But you know what happens? What happens is she cultivates friendships, she cultivates others relationships that somehow become everything. And then she wakes up wondering if she's the one left with nothing.
I have a friend, a very dear friend, who reminds me from time to time that I have no one to answer to. I have me, and me alone. The idea might be so beautiful if only I had more. It's the quest we're all on, really. The quest for something more than just us. The idea of something greater. And I've started to realize, who am I to limit myself to what this life currently has to offer? I explore (I really do), I question (more than you'll know), I watch (you've seen me), and yet I'm still left with nothing more than this: we are what we make of ourselves and unless we move forward and explore all that life has to offer; who are we, really?
Someone I really care about told me several years ago they could see me opening a door. The door, after years of movement, isn't just one, but a maze of doors. There are no right or wrong choices, only passages leading me back and forth through a maze of growth. Lately I wonder if I've come to a dead end only to discover now I must turn back. Tracing back through my footsteps with no one but myself to guide me. This step, that stumble, all the awkwardness. I think, is this as difficult for everyone else? Or am I the only one?
It's all so very complicated, isn't it? And so you ask me. Your friend: the one who is willing to listen, is willing to give the advice, the one who will even tell you if you are so very wrong. But you know what happens? What happens is she cultivates friendships, she cultivates others relationships that somehow become everything. And then she wakes up wondering if she's the one left with nothing.
I have a friend, a very dear friend, who reminds me from time to time that I have no one to answer to. I have me, and me alone. The idea might be so beautiful if only I had more. It's the quest we're all on, really. The quest for something more than just us. The idea of something greater. And I've started to realize, who am I to limit myself to what this life currently has to offer? I explore (I really do), I question (more than you'll know), I watch (you've seen me), and yet I'm still left with nothing more than this: we are what we make of ourselves and unless we move forward and explore all that life has to offer; who are we, really?
Someone I really care about told me several years ago they could see me opening a door. The door, after years of movement, isn't just one, but a maze of doors. There are no right or wrong choices, only passages leading me back and forth through a maze of growth. Lately I wonder if I've come to a dead end only to discover now I must turn back. Tracing back through my footsteps with no one but myself to guide me. This step, that stumble, all the awkwardness. I think, is this as difficult for everyone else? Or am I the only one?
Saturday, July 21, 2007
She.
You know, She's about had it. She doesn't believe in love anymore. This one, this girl, this Woman, believes that She is meant to be alone for the rest of her life. And its not exactly because a palm reader told her true love wouldn't occur until "late in life". It's because it doesn't appear to her that anyone gets her. In spite of everything, in spite of all her guy friends saying, you are so fantastic, you are so very wonderful, you are such a gift! ; in spite of everything, She realizes She is not for this time. She is not for this place. And so, She wishes to sleep away her entire life. She wishes to sleep away - not this entire month, not this entire year, but to sleep away her entire life to just not have to feel. To not have to feel at all, is a Godsend. If God was merciful, it wouldn't be asked of her. If God believed in her, it wouldn't have to be. The pain, the suffering, the hope...the if only. She is so very tired.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
higher education? try, roadblock.
You know how for the last 4 years I have been all about school? And you know how I took the summer off and have been completely bored for the last several months? And you know how I thought I'd be in school for only a year longer? Well, I might be in school for another 2-3 years instead of the 1 year I thought. And you know why? Because I made A LOT of money last year, that's why. According to the government, my salary of $barelyscrapingby.00 equates to me being able to afford an extra $4200 (per semester) on my education (out of pocket) this year. And you know who doesn't have $4200 per semester to pay for school this year? I think you know where I'm going with this.
I really want my degree and eventually want my masters degree, but at this rate, I'll be a freakin' granny by the time I finish. I know all the "life is a learning experience" shit people throw at me, and I know all the "you shouldn't worry and be in such a hurry" jargin. But, I'll tell ya, this lady is tired. I want to finish. I want to be able to move forward and continue my real life sans school . However, it seems so much is working against me. I love school. Please, don't get me wrong. But I also want to be able to picture next year with a real vacation thrown in the mix. I want to be able to see myself actually enjoying all that I have learned. I want to see some real implementation and forward motion.
Bah. ugh. ick.
I really want my degree and eventually want my masters degree, but at this rate, I'll be a freakin' granny by the time I finish. I know all the "life is a learning experience" shit people throw at me, and I know all the "you shouldn't worry and be in such a hurry" jargin. But, I'll tell ya, this lady is tired. I want to finish. I want to be able to move forward and continue my real life sans school . However, it seems so much is working against me. I love school. Please, don't get me wrong. But I also want to be able to picture next year with a real vacation thrown in the mix. I want to be able to see myself actually enjoying all that I have learned. I want to see some real implementation and forward motion.
Bah. ugh. ick.
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