me?

me?
i wear a monocle.
it allows me to see half of what i need.

do i really need to see the rest?
what's the point?
everyone shows what they want.
anyway.

things.

for the last few weeks i have been attempting to post an update on what is going on in my little part of this world we ride. unfortunately i have not been able to do so...and tonight is not any different.

things have happened. things i wanted to happen. things i didn't want to happen. things i didn't see coming. things i may have missed while i was focusing my attention elsewhere... and all i can do is hang on for the ride...sometimes paddling along to help out the momentum and other times dragging my heels to slow it all down.

i had a conversation with my granny on christmas eve. she is a lovely and insightful woman. she told me, "you just have to stay positive, you just have to keep moving forward." Forward motion has been my mantra for years and years now...someone wise from my past believed in it too. i thank him for that...but i wonder if i am missing out on things while i am moving forward, am i moving at a pace where my fate can't catch up with me?

this isn't going anywhere and it seems cryptic, but in my head, its a jumbled mess...and if the output is jumbled, maybe that's the way it has to be for a while. maybe i'll get it all sorted out in the new year.

here's hoping.

ps. things=things. don't attempt to read into it.

Bypass

I can't seem to get this poem out of my head...true love.... if you are lucky enough to find it...Can't live without them...love.........

Bypass

When they cracked open your chest, parting
the flesh at the sternum and sawing

right through your ribs, we'd been married
only five weeks. I had not yet kissed

into memory those places they raided
to save your life. I could only wait

outside, in the public lobby
of private nightmares

while they pried you apart, stopped
your heart's beating, and iced you

down. For seven hours a machine
breathed for you, in and out. God,

seeing you naked in ICU minutes
after the surgery ... your torso swabbed

a hideous antiseptic yellow
around a raw black ladder of stitches

and dried blood. Still unconscious,
you did the death rattle on the gurney.

"His body is trying to warm itself up,"
they explained, to comfort me.

by Susan Kelly-DeWitt

Bypass

I can't seem to get this poem out of my head...true love.... if you are lucky enough to find it...Can't live without them...love.........

Bypass

When they cracked open your chest, parting
the flesh at the sternum and sawing

right through your ribs, we'd been married
only five weeks. I had not yet kissed

into memory those places they raided
to save your life. I could only wait

outside, in the public lobby
of private nightmares

while they pried you apart, stopped
your heart's beating, and iced you

down. For seven hours a machine
breathed for you, in and out. God,

seeing you naked in ICU minutes
after the surgery ... your torso swabbed

a hideous antiseptic yellow
around a raw black ladder of stitches

and dried blood. Still unconscious,
you did the death rattle on the gurney.

"His body is trying to warm itself up,"
they explained, to comfort me.

by Susan Kelly-DeWitt

Nigiri.

my nigiri was dead when i came home tonight. how can someone be sad about a fish dying? well, i will just tell you, i am sad. nigiri was a character, i have had him for over a year now... and i will miss him dearly.

i have nothing else to say.

a not so tiny piece.

What does it mean when you can't seem to leave behind the little piece of you inadvertently left behind. You can't take it back. Does it even belong to you anymore? Was it ever yours to begin with? Once it's mixed with the receivers' perceptions, you can't take it back and you are left wondering if it ever belonged to you in the first place.

we sleuthed!

there is so very much going on right now and i haven't posted in a while...so, this may be choppy, it may be slightly um, blah, blah, blah...but for the few of my good friends who read this..it will kind of get you up to date on the life of me.

-let's see. good things first. our dryer broke. (well, that's not the good part..wait for it, wait for it...) so, i had clothes in the wash when it decided not to blow or spin or do anything, for that matter. good thing we have a clothes line out back. when is the last time you actually hung some clothes out to dry on a wash line? for some reason jill even had some old school wooden clothes pins. it was so very cathartic...the whole process, basket of wet towels on the hip, the sun, the smells...i am pretty excited about this. i may just hang dry everything from now on. it gave me time to reflect on my week..on my month, on where i am and where i am going and what i want. more about this later.

-yesterday was a fantastic day. we spent the morning out on our back porch (slab!). coffee, magazines, music, friends, dogs running about, finding squash on the fence-line from our neighbors garden, more coffee. what a great way to spend a sunday morning. we must have sat out back for at least 3 hours...and the proof is in the little bit of sunburn on my nose, arms and chest. lovely, lovely day.

-one of my profs is an architect. last week he told the class he would rather hire a B student than an A student every time. And why? Because a B student shows they believe in a balance of life and career. I realized I have been trying to be both. The A student with balance. And, it's not working. I barely have time to have a social life. And if i do have a social life, I regret it when it comes time to cram in my homework the day before it is due. And then the homework is sub-par. So, today I decided to drop a class. It is an elective, so I don't really need it to graduate...but the class is for a computer program that is very useful in 3-D modeling. The only problem is the program really seems very counterintuitive. I picked up AutoCAD quicker. (and believe me, AutoCAD is a bitch to learn). Anyhow, I dropped it. Now I have more time to do things I need to do...like hanging laundry out to dry...walking to bongo for coffee and conversation...sitting in my back yard with my little annabelle and lulu...talking to my jillybean...and generally time to just "be".

-on another positive note, i have been doing very well with the quitting smoking business. i have had a cigarette here or there, but literally, i light one, then hand it off to someone or put it out. It's been fairly easy so far. We'll see what happens. Wish me luck.

-the entire myspace "top friends" thing is silly. i never really paid much attention to the number (like .. 1 friend). if you are in my top friends its either because i love you, or its because i find you interesting, or its because i want to know you better, or just because i find you to be intriguing. i normally don't pay attention to what .. i have someone listed...if you are offended by this, sorry...if you find it strange you are in there, well...good. everyone should enjoy a little strangeness every once in a while.

-this is a redundant question..why do people find me to be strange? why do some people not get me? i know i say what i think, i know i say what i feel. i know sometimes i say more than i should. but i don't believe in hiding my feelings...i believe life is short. (trite, yes...but it is damn true!) i also believe people play games when they are really just scared to say the truth. what's wrong with saying " i want to get to know you" or "you know what, you aren't for me." NOTHING is wrong with speaking the truth. and the problems come in when people play games. leaving out part of the truth, ignoring someone to "punish" them. this isn't all from experience and it doesn't pertain to anyone in particular...just stuff i have been thinking about lately.

enough. i'll end with:
i love my house. i love my friends, new and old. i love my annabelle and jill's lulu.

i wish for more days like yesterday...and clear, gorgeous skies. i wish for truth and honesty and i wish for love for all my people.

m