Nigiri.

my nigiri was dead when i came home tonight. how can someone be sad about a fish dying? well, i will just tell you, i am sad. nigiri was a character, i have had him for over a year now... and i will miss him dearly.

i have nothing else to say.

a not so tiny piece.

What does it mean when you can't seem to leave behind the little piece of you inadvertently left behind. You can't take it back. Does it even belong to you anymore? Was it ever yours to begin with? Once it's mixed with the receivers' perceptions, you can't take it back and you are left wondering if it ever belonged to you in the first place.

we sleuthed!

there is so very much going on right now and i haven't posted in a while...so, this may be choppy, it may be slightly um, blah, blah, blah...but for the few of my good friends who read this..it will kind of get you up to date on the life of me.

-let's see. good things first. our dryer broke. (well, that's not the good part..wait for it, wait for it...) so, i had clothes in the wash when it decided not to blow or spin or do anything, for that matter. good thing we have a clothes line out back. when is the last time you actually hung some clothes out to dry on a wash line? for some reason jill even had some old school wooden clothes pins. it was so very cathartic...the whole process, basket of wet towels on the hip, the sun, the smells...i am pretty excited about this. i may just hang dry everything from now on. it gave me time to reflect on my week..on my month, on where i am and where i am going and what i want. more about this later.

-yesterday was a fantastic day. we spent the morning out on our back porch (slab!). coffee, magazines, music, friends, dogs running about, finding squash on the fence-line from our neighbors garden, more coffee. what a great way to spend a sunday morning. we must have sat out back for at least 3 hours...and the proof is in the little bit of sunburn on my nose, arms and chest. lovely, lovely day.

-one of my profs is an architect. last week he told the class he would rather hire a B student than an A student every time. And why? Because a B student shows they believe in a balance of life and career. I realized I have been trying to be both. The A student with balance. And, it's not working. I barely have time to have a social life. And if i do have a social life, I regret it when it comes time to cram in my homework the day before it is due. And then the homework is sub-par. So, today I decided to drop a class. It is an elective, so I don't really need it to graduate...but the class is for a computer program that is very useful in 3-D modeling. The only problem is the program really seems very counterintuitive. I picked up AutoCAD quicker. (and believe me, AutoCAD is a bitch to learn). Anyhow, I dropped it. Now I have more time to do things I need to do...like hanging laundry out to dry...walking to bongo for coffee and conversation...sitting in my back yard with my little annabelle and lulu...talking to my jillybean...and generally time to just "be".

-on another positive note, i have been doing very well with the quitting smoking business. i have had a cigarette here or there, but literally, i light one, then hand it off to someone or put it out. It's been fairly easy so far. We'll see what happens. Wish me luck.

-the entire myspace "top friends" thing is silly. i never really paid much attention to the number (like .. 1 friend). if you are in my top friends its either because i love you, or its because i find you interesting, or its because i want to know you better, or just because i find you to be intriguing. i normally don't pay attention to what .. i have someone listed...if you are offended by this, sorry...if you find it strange you are in there, well...good. everyone should enjoy a little strangeness every once in a while.

-this is a redundant question..why do people find me to be strange? why do some people not get me? i know i say what i think, i know i say what i feel. i know sometimes i say more than i should. but i don't believe in hiding my feelings...i believe life is short. (trite, yes...but it is damn true!) i also believe people play games when they are really just scared to say the truth. what's wrong with saying " i want to get to know you" or "you know what, you aren't for me." NOTHING is wrong with speaking the truth. and the problems come in when people play games. leaving out part of the truth, ignoring someone to "punish" them. this isn't all from experience and it doesn't pertain to anyone in particular...just stuff i have been thinking about lately.

enough. i'll end with:
i love my house. i love my friends, new and old. i love my annabelle and jill's lulu.

i wish for more days like yesterday...and clear, gorgeous skies. i wish for truth and honesty and i wish for love for all my people.

m

peaty...

this time of the year is always my favorite. i love when the air begins it's slow southern descent into fall. i love when the sky is slightly black to the east and clear as day to the west...when the cold front makes its way on in to our little part of the world. i was sitting on my porch and knew exactly what was missing. i grabbed my car keys, jumped in the car and headed to the liquor store. i am sitting now with a nice glass of peaty islay single malt scotch.

ladies and gentlemen, fall has arrived.

cheers!

The incomparable Mr. Cohen...

You Have the Lovers
Leonard Cohen

You have the lovers,
they are nameless, their histories only for each other,
and you have the room, the bed, and the windows.
Pretend it is a ritual.
Unfurl the bed, bury the lovers, blacken the windows,
let them live in that house for a generation or two.
No one dares disturb them.
Visitors in the corridor tip-toe past the long closed door,
they listen for sounds, for a moan, for a song:
nothing is heard, not even breathing.
You know they are not dead,
you can feel the presence of their intense love.
Your children grow up, they leave you,
they have become soldiers and riders.
Your mate dies after a life of service.
Who knows you? Who remembers you?
But in your house a ritual is in progress:
It is not finished: it needs more people.
One day the door is opened to the lover's chamber.
The room has become a dense garden,
full of colours, smells, sounds you have never known.
The bed is smooth as a wafer of sunlight,
in the midst of the garden it stands alone.
In the bed the lovers, slowly and deliberately and silently,
perform the act of love.
Their eyes are closed,
as tightly as if heavy coins of flesh lay on them.
Their lips are bruised with new and old bruises.
Her hair and his beard are hopelessly tangled.
When he puts his mouth against her shoulder
she is uncertain whether her shoulder
has given or received the kiss.
All her flesh is like a mouth.
He carries his fingers along her waist
and feels his own waist caressed.
She holds him closer and his own arms tighten around her.
She kisses the hand besider her mouth.
It is his hand or her hand, it hardly matters,
there are so many more kisses.
You stand beside the bed, weeping with happiness,
you carefully peel away the sheets
from the slow-moving bodies.
Your eyes filled with tears, you barely make out the lovers,
As you undress you sing out, and your voice is magnificent
because now you believe it is the first human voice
heard in that room.
The garments you let fall grow into vines.
You climb into bed and recover the flesh.
You close your eyes and allow them to be sewn shut.
You create an embrace and fall into it.
There is only one moment of pain or doubt
as you wonder how many multitudes are lying beside your body,
but a mouth kisses and a hand soothes the moment away.

enough.

Current mood: savage
so, every weekend we go to the alleycat or to 3crow, or to red door east. you know it, you've seen us all there. it's pretty easy to find me and my people.

i am so bored. i love my friends, yes, but if i don't get away from the east side trilogy i might end up maiming myself just to break up the monotony.

and alleycat on saturdays? don't act like you don't know...it is the 30-somethings singles bar. and yet i go (even though i am NOT single but because this is where my single friends want to go), EVERY weekend. i love you all, but can we maybe go somewhere else to do this? not every weekend, just every other weekend? how about dinner? does anyone want to go have dinner? how about bowling? roller skating? darts? go cart racing? jazz club? tennis? the mall?

this blog and plea will go down in flames, i know it. but it just had to be said.

oh ya, and ps. i hate freedom.

Townes.

for about a year and a half, i fell asleep every night listening to townes van zandt. every once in a while i revisit this time period in daydreams laced in fond nostalgia. i think this house i have moved into brings it all back...something about having a room of my own and the little noises of the people i love just outside my bedroom door as i sleep.

this house feels good. it did the second jill and i stepped into it. i sleep soundly, and more than anything, i want to be AT HOME. we play silly games with oliie, we chase him and the doggies all around the house. we invite people over for dinner, we drink wine, we drink cheap and fancy beer and one of us even does really bad tequila shots and regrets it the next day (not me, i have a very sophisticated palette for tequila). this house is a place to be with friends.


our porch....our porch is a little haven...a place where we can recap the day, laugh at each other while we play dirty mad-libs, a place for serious conversations or a place to just "be".


my house in austin was the same way. i don't remember a day when the house ever felt lonely despite many nights of me actually spending time alone. the house always echoed with memories of friends, lovers and family. deciding to move from the house in austin was predetermined by fate. everyone who lived there, aline, chenoa and i; pretty much decided at the same time that it was right to move on. i was given the opportunity to move to nashville for a job i am no longer with (completely different blog, but it got me here didn't it?), aline was needing to live alone to become the married lady she is today, and chenoa...now, chenoa was a free spirit (could you tell by the name?) and to this day i am not quite sure where she is. i hope wherever she is, she is healthy and happy.

i am very aware of my profound nostalgia for austin lately. it's the heat, it's this house, it's finally feeling like i have a family here....i love my people.

the buddhist believe- small little reminders or so-called coincidences let you know you are on the right path. maybe my nostalgia for townes and for austin just means i am on the right path...because my time in austin was just so right.

this house, as well, just feels right and i hope we never have to move. but its inevitable. yes?