Tuesday, October 12, 2010


I am not all egotistical, but I realize the hole left when someone you love actually leaves your day to day life. I know I'll be missed and I know it will hurt both you and me. I have a feeling it will hurt me more than I know, but I've been missed before and I've know what it feels like to miss. I miss so much. I miss so very much. I miss my life 10, 20, 30 years ago.

I miss the comfort of my childhood. I miss my baby brother holding me, strangling me with his little kid arm across my neck while I put him to sleep. I miss my Grandma Margie drinking her coffee and smoking her cigarettes at the kitchen table. I miss walking across the street to her house after school my Freshman year. I miss the house on Parker Lane (I dream about it ALL the time). I miss my Daddy leaving my sister and I sweet little notes at the breakfast table, lukewarm milk in a pitcher next to cereal because he had to leave so early for work, but he still wanted us to know he thought about us before he left the house in the predawn hours. I miss looking at design magazines and listening to Perry Como with my Mother. I miss antique malls with my family. I miss being responsible for my baby sister while my parents went out for date night, no matter how badly she behaved. I miss her sweet little chubby cheeks. I miss arguing about stupid little stuff with my sister Tina.

I miss being a cheerleader (even though I still am one. You know I support you). I miss the night my Mom stayed up with me super late so I could practice my cheers, and how we couldn't stop laughing about my Keds stuck in the dryer. I miss the night she taught me to 2 step and jitterbug. I miss watching her and Daddy dance together. I miss walking into the kitchen and catching them making out. I miss being around to see them hold hands.

I miss my PaPaw. I miss his coveralls and his chewed up cigar and his really, really big scissors next to his chair because he liked to cut out newspaper clippings. I miss his garage sales and Granny and Papaw's Cadillacs (because they coasted and I felt safe there). I miss Christmas at Granny's house, not because of the gifts, but because of the love (I don't think I could ever put into words the amount of love). I miss my cousins. I miss my Aunts and Uncles and how it felt to know they loved me, no matter what.

I miss riding in a car with my entire family on road trips across Texas and Shirley Temples in Mexico.

I miss being young.

I miss my early 20's, living with Arlana, Vicki and Lisa. I miss trying to figure "it" all out with them.

I miss Austin. I miss every heartbreak my best friend Aline helped me through. I miss sitting on the porch playing the guitar and singing songs with her and some random Chenoa I asked to live with us. I miss Ed sticking up for me. I miss breakfast tacos and super late night migas and crack fries and Bill MIller's sweet tea hangover cure.

I miss Sterling Court and the courtyard and living with Molly. I miss the bats flying out the chimney while we smoked. I miss Molly's laugh and silly little sweet potato ginger healing dinners and wine and the Beatles. I miss nights listening to 45's out back and love and good company. I miss Jared and Laura's porch, and Laura's Black Sabbath dancing.

I miss the unbelievable generosity of Leia and Richie for taking me in when I was at my worst. I miss our pallet.

I miss putting Ollie to bed. I miss Jill being a room away and her allowing me to be a part of her family.

I miss the togetherness of my 2009 birthday.

I miss late nights talking to you.

I miss and will miss so much.

Most of all, I'll miss you.

I hope you know.

I love you.